i thought it was over.
May 21st, 2010
I thought I'd never cry again over him but here I am listening to this song and crying my eyes out. I thought I would move on like he would, like he is. Remembering the days that were perfect are so hard to get over. I love it when songs are true to life, because
you feel them, you feel the emotions. This is what that is, the crying, the sniffling, the thoughts; they're just memories.. remembering the emotions. I don't feel like I had finished loving Ray. I don't think I'll ever finish. I'll always love him. And its those perfect thoughts, those perfect
memories that you want back. You want to relive them again and realizing you threw away the chance to have them back makes it worse. So, thus I am back to where I started, in my chair, just crying.
Werdna left on May 12th to China. We had a great goodbye party and a good two days after. We treated him to a movie, Iron Man 2. He liked it. =) He has been taking pictures and posting them on Facebook for all his friends to see. I'm just happy he has internet, seeing him go was painful. Knowing
I won't see him until Feburary is a little heart-breaking. He was my reason for baking and my vocabulary buddy. We played card games, PIG and Sign. It was hilarious. Jess and I were owning the guys. We also played foosball and Modern Warfare 2 on PS3. Once again, Jess and I owned. Quite happy
about that.
I haven't gotten another call back from Swimco but I did go on an interview with J76, a lululemon knock off store. Didn't get hired but I have another interview in four days with Guess Accessories. I really hope I get this job because I love Guess, it's my favorite brand. I have never bought
another wallet from anywhere else but Guess. The store doesn't open until the end of June but I'm just happy I got a call-back. Gotta apply to more places. I baked peanut butter cookies today. Baking always helps create happiness in my mind but baking doesn't get the compliments anymore and
it's a more disheartening now. I hope that this Sunday will help.
Oh, right! Don't think I touched on that event. Anyways, every Sunday is now dedicated to Sunday Dinners, a time in which Hobbes, Lion, Jess and I get together to hang out. We can invite others and we do switch off who pays for what dinner. As Hobbes and I are together, we are counted as one when
it comes to the monetary issues. Because Lion has nobody to split the costs with, on the Sundays he's paying for, we have a little less extravagant dinner, still delicious though!
Joined more fanlistings, I have gotten a little...quite a bit addicted to them.
changes aren't always good.
May 17th, 2010
Hmm, where to start... I haven't updated in a whole month or so. There's a reason for that. My blog is called Confessions and I'm glad I named it that because this site actually keeps my confessions. Changes... so many I can't keep track of it. *takes a deep
breath* Here we go...
So I don't live in the United States anymore; I have moved up to Canada and is staying with my new boyfriend. About that... drama and I mean, total drama. Not in a way where rumors are spread but literally.. drama. It was ultimately up to me to choose between them, but there were other factors
such as shelter, job availability, friends, family, happiness, school,
LOVE. I told you before, I love them both equally. I live with Hobbes now, in Canada. I'm not over Ray yet, I still love him so. Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right decision but I have made a decision indeed and
I must stick with it. I will fight to the end. Hobbes isn't what I expected him to be after I have started to live with him, but it's doable. I have to admit, I was more happier in Bellingham but I get to live with my sister (Jess) now. That is one of the greatest things that has happened. I
love her like a sister even though we're not blood related. She has helped me through this experience and is still helping Ray get over me.
To tell you the truth, I cheated on Ray, but our relationship seemed as if it was going nowhere. However, I never stopped loving him, I just loved him less. I was blinded by the comfort of my life. I don't deny that it was my fault but I do believe that if I followed my heart and not my mind,
I would've chosen him, I would've stayed. Also, I didn't like my family in Bellingham but Ray did offer me shelter just like Hobbes did, but my family was the big underlying issue. Friends was in Canada, another issue that I took into account. So I've been applying to jobs crazily while I'm
here in Canada. I got a call back from Swimco asking for my availability, which is something I'm super excited about. Anyways, not done with update but that's all the time I have now. I'll go on about Werdna leaving to China in the next update.
back to square 1.
April 1st, 2010
As you get older, days like April Fool's Day tend to be less dynamic. However, I do wish you a Happy April Fool's Day. ( It is harder to play a trick on the internet ) So, a month has gone by and my life hasn't gotten any easier, perhaps even worse. However, this
is life and I should learn to live with it. At one point, everything was perfect or at least it seemed perfect. Don't you ever wish days like those would always last? *sighs* Good feelings never last long. Bad month. That sums up March for me. March has been quite a stressful, horrible, terrible,
annoying, partly happy month. March had Ray's birthday. That was actually quite perfect. He loved his present which consisted of a zip-up jacket and a tie hanger. The way he celebrates his birthday is so lucky. I tend to be jealous of his birthdays with his family. It was wonderful. I received my
grades and no, it was not perfect. I know why it isn't perfect. It was the decision and although I have chosen, it's back to square one with it. Things change, for the better and for the worse. Eventful month, definitely a life-changing and learning experience for me. I haven't been this stressed
out before, so at least my brain is still functioning.
It is still between Hobbes and Ray. I'll finish this tomorrow, I really can't think about this right now.
my life in ruins.
March 7, 2010
The winter olympics has ended! I actually got to go up to Vancouver to see the sights. It was awesome! Took pictures, of course. I was only there for an hour or two though. Saddening, I know. The new movie, Alice in Wonderland, came out. The people
working at Collossus (the theatre in Langley, BC) have these really cool mad hatter hats. I want to be the mad hatter for Halloween, so I asked them where I could buy one. Too bad they don't sell them. =( Although, I did find some lacey gloves that would be perfect for the costume. I watched
Shutter Island. There's a lot of twists and turns in it. Quite exciting to watch. I jumped once during that movie so watch out for that moment. I did enjoy the plot.
My life is in ruins. I made my decision. I chose to stick with Ray. I can't tell you how hard this is. I told Hobbes
the decision and my heart plunged into the deepest depths of the sea. I have a pain where it didn't hurt before. It makes me wonder if I have made the right decision
to stick with Ray. Life is short and I should take risks, but should I throw away two years of my life for this? Not to mention, Hobbes
lives about an hour drive away from I do. Ray lives a ten minute drive away from me. Hobbes makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, but I settled for happy.
Happy is what I'll have to stick to. I have never broken someone's heart before and it hurts to do so. It feels like a break up and although
Hobbes and I never dated, we both loved each other. I do love him, I still do. I doubt we're going to talk anytime soon but that's life, I guess. I wish
it wasn't so terrible to Hobbes. I wish I could be the one who makes him happy. Under different circumstances, I would've chosen him.
Choosing between two that I love dearly has caused me to sink down into depression. I have been unproductive this past week and you are able to see that by the amount of homework that needs to get done. My mind has been distracted and I doubt teachers will believe in the excuse of being depressed.
It is 2 am and I haven't gotten anything done. I've cried my tears and can't concentrate. Oh, I've decided not to go to school in spring quarter. I, myself, do not have enough money to pay for it and I don't want Ray's parents to pay for it. It is too generous of a gift and I refuse to accept it.
My mom uses money against me, therefore she is out of the picture. I am doing horribly in school right now and have decided, I just need a break from it all. Just need a break from life.
I shall sink back into my hole and perhaps live to see another day.
heartbreak and sadness.
February 22, 2010
Yeahh, a lot of
THINGS have been happening lately. You can classify it as drama but its not at all your typical drama show. So, Happy New Years! Very belated but better late than never.
I made many new friends from the New Years party I attended. They
have now become the closest group I can call family. My biological family is not functioning well right now, but we'll get into that later. Sorry for no new layout. Like I said before, a lot has been happening. Valentine's Day rolled
right past us and so did Martin Luther King Jr. Day. I have
concluded that there just needs to be a ginormous update ( if that is how you spell giant and enormous ). Things need to be said and things need to get done.
VANCOUVER 2010 WINTER OLYMPICS! <3 GO USA!!! GO CANADA!!!
So uhh, where to start? School.. I am supposedly working on homework right now but I am falling behind. Reason : I have been hanging out with my friends more. Haha, the twist to this reason is that my friends live in Canada.The commute there and back takes up much of my time, however it is
worth every second. I'm doing fine in my classes. I do wish that Calculus was more challenging... imagine a student saying that! English is my weakest point right now. Many of my essays tend to be general and I'm never specific enough. Sociology is really interesting. I enjoy that class because
I'm actually learning something new! =) It's entertaining to learn how people act and react. Everything else seems to be fine in this department. I did apply to the University of Washington as a transfer student. * fingers crossed * I hope I get in!
Biologicals. I don't consider them family because they do not
ACT as if they are family. The "krew" I am and my boyfriend are the only things keeping my head held high. Knowing I have these people to support me gives me the strength to move on with my life. I have not talked with my mom
for about a week now and she has recently taken away my cellphone. All I do at home is go on the computer and sleep. The rest of my time is divded to school, chores and my boyfriend's house. There's the family update.
OKAY. The "drama" part. I have met a group of friends during new years.
Their nicknames I give them are Hobbes, Lion and Werdna. We and others call ourselves the "krew". There were six of us in one group but that has migrated to a group of two and a group of three. I am in the group with
Hobbes and Werdna. Jess and Lion are in the other group.
Jess and I are sisters, Hobbes and Wernda are brothers, Lion and Jess's ex-boyfriend are brothers. No, not blood related but mind related. Yeah, we're a close knit group. Haha. Gotta smile, once in a while. So, Werdna has a crush on
Lion, Hobbes has a crush on me and Lion and Jess are becoming best friends quick. I do have a boyfriend, it's not Hobbes. Werdna is heartbroken because Lion refuses to talk to Werdna and Jess is heartbroken from her break up. Also, Lion and I are becoming close friends which will make things
awkward if the krew does split apart. * sighs * It's a troublesome present time.
To keep it short, I have a boyfriend but I feel this connection with Hobbes ( yes.. he is the one who likes me ).I just don't know what to do about it. I have thought about it constantly and trying to solve this problem. No success so far.
Anyway, this is the gist of my life and
ONLY the short of it.
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Betty. twenty. august27. single. canada. undergrad. volleyball & track. likes baking.
scrapbooking. webdesigning. reading. water. file folders. hates spiders. blinding lights. mosquitos.
orange soda. super loud music. is jumpy. self-conscious. paranoid. careful. at times, carefree. easily excited.